


Wings From 3am

by Tenderisthenight



Category: B.A.P
Genre: Angst, Just angst, M/M, also based on the nights of 2014 they gave me so much feels with their nightly escapades, and was also set during the hiatus, that i wrote a long time ago, this was written during hiatus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-30
Updated: 2017-10-30
Packaged: 2019-01-26 18:00:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12563028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tenderisthenight/pseuds/Tenderisthenight
Summary: “I dreamed of you.” Daehyun said to Junhong at 3 am.





	Wings From 3am

**Author's Note:**

> "I saw a dream of you dancing on the floating darkness of the moon's stage."
> 
> \- DBSK, Bolero

“I dreamed of you.” Daehyun said at 3 am.

Junhong stared at the young man lying beside him on the floor, and in that empty room his heartbeat echoed and thumped at the floor beneath him. He was experiencing an earthquake but Daehyun was still.

The day Daehyun lost his smile Junhong had anticipate it everyday without fail.

“Of you soaring, dancing.”

Daehyun smiled that night. Junhong knew he did.

It took everything from Junhong’s soul and he lay there crumpled like a piece of broken twig.

 

 

It is 3 o’clock in the morning and Junhong lies on his bed with running thoughts of what has been his life before. His fingers lay lifeless in front of his eyes and as his sight adjusted to the darkness he closes his eyes because he doesn’t want to know that he’s in fact alone in his room.

 

 

He had always stared at the long eyelashes the older possessed, longed to feel it on his fingertips in the darkness but he would only wake Daehyun up.

What did it matter anyway?

Daehyun wasn’t even sleeping, he had opened his eyes and stared at Junhong.

Junhong didn’t breathe for the short few seconds when Daehyun had seemed to stare into his heart.

 

He thinks of the late nights trips out of their apartment.

He can almost hear the jingling keys in Daehyun’s hands. And the moonlight lighting up the streets as he stuffed his hands into the pocket of his coat.

He had wings.

He had.

 

 

“We don’t get to do this often before.”

Daehyun took his hands, and their fingers fit so well, Daehyun was so warm against his skin. It was the night, the stars they could not see in the city sky and Daehyun’s steps beside his. It was all of that that he paid attention to.

Junhong’s heart beat to the sound of Daehyun’s breaths in the cold night, and it quickened with every racing thoughts of being out there all alone in the late of night with Daehyun.

“Are you cold? You can take my scarf.”

Junhong shook his head. They were close to the studio anyway.

 

 

Junhong thinks, it is better to be where he had been those nights. It was better than lying on an empty bed all alone with nothing to do and no one to talk to.

A still heart is worse than a wrenched, thumping one, he learns.

It’s stupid, Junhong knows it’s stupid but it’s human nature to yearn for what is loss and what you have never asked for.

The room echoes with the ticking of a clock, Junhong thinks of all the time he had listened to the ticks in the empty studio.

 

 

“You’re tired aren’t you?”

Gentle fingers ran through Junhong’s brown hair and he closed his eyes.

_No, I am not. I only danced a little._

“I meant, you’re _tired_ , aren’t you?”

Junhong opened his eyes and Daehyun’s brown eyes was staring right at him, and the eyebrows furrowed.

Daehyun didn’t smile.

What was the use to smile when you didn’t mean to?

_I am._

 

 

Junhong thinks, Daehyun’s eyes are the soft swirl of hot tea in a cup. The one he has always stared at every morning now. He thinks of the brown irises he has gotten to stare at almost every night back then. The irises that made his feet soar and fly.

He thinks of himself alone in his home. A place he has always called home but feels so awfully lonely in now.

 

“You’ll be back home soon. You can rest and we can all rest.”

Daehyun made it an every day thing to hold Junhong’s hand when they lie on the floor of the empty studio.

The dim lights, the mirrors all around. The silence.

He made it everything Junhong could ever live for at that moment, when he was too tired to even smile, when he was aching and missing home.

 

 

Junhong doesn’t see what he can do now that he has all the time in the world. He feels numb.

He had wished for at least an extra hour everyday, he remembers, extra hour of the thumping heart, breathless moment and soft hold of a certain person’s hands.

Now. Every day. Wake up. And just when it turns 3 o’clock, his mind wanders and he thinks of dances, choreographs he had made himself on those long nights. Brilliant inspirations and ice cream late at night.

 

 

“Why do you dance so hard, Junhong?”

_I’m not good enough._

“Why do you think that way?”

_I am not good enough._

“But you are.”

_Not as good as Jongup._

A low chuckle, and Daehyun was lying beside him again on the same floor, and it was the twist in Junhong’s heart, the warm palm against his cheek when he closed his eyes and leaned into the touch that made his heart ache when he realized he has lost all of them.

 

 

Junhong thinks he won’t mind if he could live those narrow days in repetition.

 

 

“But you are good enough.”

Junhong offered a smile and Daehyun was returning it.

Junhong thought, the only genuine smile Daehyun had for those days were the smiles he gave Junhong in the quiet studio.

 

 

Junhong knows he was silly to think the smiles were all for him only.

 

 

Daehyun was a hyung who deeply understood what Junhong was going through. It was those talks in the night, the assuring arms in the room they shared back in the dorm. He was the sanctuary, the nursing warmth, the only thing Junhong found solid to hold on to when he was brittle and crumbling. He was everything in those days. He made it that way.

Daehyun didn’t know that. But Junhong made sure he didn’t know and it was stupid, really.

_I want to dance like Jongup._

“Don’t dance like Jongup. Just dance like you do.”

 

Junhong doesn’t think Daehyun realized how much his heart wrenched at those words he uttered on 3 o’clock. Doesn’t think he knows that the broken wings he has with him now was built by Daehyun himself on those nights.

 

But Daehyun saw the shimmer in Junhong’s round eyes, and Junhong stomach hurled and he wanted to puke, he was tired.

Oh he was tired of the constant pushing around, he was tired trying to get better when he had barely even given time to himself to reflect. He was sick of the unplanned plans, he was sick of working hard down to his very bones to realize it was only for the greed of other people.

He was upset that the love he received was soon not to be returned, probably. He was disappointed in himself, for not being strong enough to keep going, he betrayed those thousands of people who had his back, they didn’t know it but they would soon and maybe they would hate him.

Maybe he was being selfish.

And he was sad.

Sad because Daehyun kissed him on 3 o’clock in the night on the floor of the quiet studio and his lips were surrendering already, the tenderness squeezing tears out of his eyes.

 

 

Junhong wants it back. But now he’s free of heartache and no, no, it’s not the same isn’t it?

 

Daehyun was the cruel one.

“I’m sorry.”

Junhong’s tears stopped.

“I mean, I—do you mind?”

So, so cruel.

Junhong shrugged, he was crumpled on the floor, his hand in Daehyun’s fingers and Daehyun was soft. When he pressed their lips again together Junhong thought things would never be the same ever again.

 

 

On 3 o’clock Junhong lies on his bed and he checks his phone. He looks at Daehyun and he remembers the nights they shared under the city lights.

 

 

Daily routines never changed. He was a puppet doll in a busy world.

He was terribly terrified of everything but there was Daehyun.

“I won’t do it again if you don’t like it.”

They were both males. Junhong knew that.

“Does this change things between us?”

_No._

 

 

Junhong knows you’re not supposed to hide your own feelings. He’s not used to learning things the hard way. He’s used to planned actions, take a step there and raise your arms, look into the mirror and you’re good if you practice enough.

He used to believe if he worked hard enough he might just soar into the sky, dancing with light footsteps.

 

 

Wings would carry him to the moon.

 

 

Junhong can’t fly with broken wings.

 

 

When Junhong cried at the thought of his family back home he found Daehyun’s arms and it was everything he had to hold on to at that time.

Daehyun planted an anchor right there, but Junhong was sinking.

He didn’t know how he was supposed to go up for air when Daehyun’s holding him so tightly that he fell asleep with tears on his cheeks and soothing heartbeats against his.

 

 

Junhong wants to see him. Wants the 3 am thoughts to shoo themselves away, but it was Daehyun. It was Daehyun who could really do that.

But Daehyun isn’t there with him anymore.

 

 

Daehyun had always been there. He could be a shadow or Junhong could be it, but he was always there and Junhong stored the feeling of Daehyun’s heaving chest against his in his memory.

Even with all the things that were bringing him down at such a young age, bringing _them_ down, he had always believed, with the right whispers into his ears with mirrors all around as if echoing the whole moment that he had the wings, he could fly.

He was terrified. Terrified of what all those nights shared with Daehyun was doing to him.

He was happy. Despite everything, the smile Daehyun lost which he had misunderstood as recovered by him, his hyungs sick to their bones. Tired. So tired. But Junhong was happy.

Daehyun didn’t know.

Daehyun thought Junhong was just tired.

They both were.

 

 

Daehyun’s happy.

Junhong thinks he’s never seen Daehyun so happy doing what he loved before.

He sees Daehyun smiling the smile he thought he had dug in deep like a fossil back in those days, something he claimed he had found, recovered himself.

He’s wrong, he knows.

So he curls himself in his blanket in the dark – the warmth is just not the same— and wishes he could be with Daehyun.

 

 

Junhong wilted in Daehyun’s hold.

Gifted wings brittle and breaking.

Daehyun drained everything the moment he touched the boy. Soft fingertips gently caressing the expanse of Junhong’s white skin.

“I’m sorry.”

 

 

Junhong thinks, Daehyun didn’t mean to make Junhong wilt in his hands.

Junhong thinks, Daehyun was just frustrated. They all were, weren’t they? Yongguk wasn’t even talking much, Himchan talked about going overseas. Jongup had his own plans that he smiled over meals, Youngjae had plans to learn how to make delicious dishes.

Junhong?

 

 

“We have friends we need to catch up with, don’t we?”

Daehyun had his arms folded beneath his head and Junhong wondered what he saw in the lights hanging on the ceiling of the studio.

_I don’t. I don’t know. I don’t think I know what I would do._

“This could be the last time we spend our time together in this empty studio.”

Junhong said, said he wanted to sleep forever.

 

 

Junhong thinks he’s different. And they don’t understand. Those five people he had always been with since a young age is everything to him.

Clearly he isn’t to them.

Take it away he’s lying on his bed in the dark and feels his heart wrenching because he’s alone.

 

 

Daehyun scolded him.

But really, Junhong wasn’t sure if he could live with the emptiness after everything.

 

 

Junhong doesn’t think he’s in love.

No.

He prefers to think of himself missing his _friend_ (s) dearly.

But why does he think of Daehyun at 3am, and all the kisses and touches and everything that made his heart shake?

 

 

Daehyun never talked about what they did all the time.

The breaths they lost together on the wooden floor.

The gentle way Daehyun turned him into liquid, drowning himself in himself.

Junhong pretended he didn’t want to talk about it either.

But his lips – touched by Daehyun and Daehyun only—were itchy to say;

_It changes things between us. Be responsible for what you have made of my heart._

_Please._

But Junhong was hopeless. And shaking, trembling.

Those words hung at the edge of his lips when it met Daehyun’s, but Junhong refused. And he didn’t know why. Maybe because Daehyun only smiled at 3 am and it was only Junhong who witnessed it. He didn’t know why he had been such an idiot.

 

 

Junhong cries on his bed for the millionth time at 3 am.

 

 

Daehyun never went further.

 

 

Gives out all the aching sobs from the depth of his chest, tears soaking every bit of everything because there isn’t anyone to wipe them away.

 

 

Junhong was glad of it.

But it meant never reaching their destination.

What destination Junhong didn’t know himself. But it felt like there was somewhere they had to be. Somewhere they could go to.

Fly to.

 

 

Junhong thinks it was possible for them to go there.

But Junhong’s already alone.

Right there, in that desolated, deserted destination.

Grounded.

 

 

The last time, Daehyun looked into his eyes and smiled warmly.

“I believe in you.”

He was a cruel man.

“You can fly like how you did in my dream where you danced.”

Made himself everything Junhong could ever hold on to, everything Junhong ever wanted before. Made it all the reason for Junhong to tremble and believe that he could fly.

Junhong cursed him for being like that. For being Daehyun.

 

 

He doesn’t love Daehyun.

Not the man who’s singing in his hometown and having pictures taken to show he’s doing well to everyone. The one he stares at through the screen of his phone in the darkness because he's alone and he doesn’t know how tomorrow would turn out despite the _sickening_ constancy of every day life. Probably dull.

He shows people pictures of himself too. Junhong doesn’t find his legs moving like he wants them to, finds it hard to raise his arms and finds it extremely difficult to soar like he did in Daehyun’s dream, but he’s doing well without Daehyun.

It doesn’t seem like it took Daehyun the clock to turn to 3 am anymore for him to smile, and Junhong thinks the only time he can smile is 3 am before Daehyun let go of him and told him they could finally rest and everything will be fine.

 

 

 _You’ll do well_ , he had said to Junhong.

 

 

3 am.

It was everything and is nothing.

_I’m not doing well._

_But I don’t love you._

_I don’t love you._

_Things never changed between us so I don’t love you._

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is old but im sad so i want to post a sad story :( I can't believe we're well over 2 years of bap coming back for us im :'))))  
> please leave a comment please please pretty please i realized the begging strategy works so


End file.
